The Finger
by AmazonTurk
Summary: Various characters get The Finger throughout the game. Read about their reactions here. Rated T for swearing.
1. Cloud Gets The Finger

**_A/N: Chocolate and caffeine do really weird things to me._**

**_Disclaimer: I own nothing but my brain and it has a stamp that says 'Property of ShinRa'._**

* * *

Tifa cocked her head to the side as she watched Cloud run screaming through the woods, his normal ritual after waking up in the morning. Cid lit a cigarette and stood beside her, blowing smoke up in the air and shaking his head. 

"Cloud at it again, eh?" he asked.

Tifa nodded as Yuffie plopped down at her feet. "Hey Pops? Can I have a ciggie?" she asked.

Cid, not really thinking, tossed her his pack and even flicked his lighter opened to light one for her. "Thanks," Yuffie said with a grin, puffing away on the cancer stick. "So, B said he's been doing this a while. It didn't just start after Aeris...you know..."

Tifa shook her head. "Ever since Midgar, after he helped blow up the first reactor," she said observing Cloud as he stopped and looked up, screaming at nothing and swatting at his hair. "He'll settle here in a minute. It only happens when he first wakes up."

Cloud continued shrieking, continuously turning around and looking behind him and over him. Finally, coming to terms with whatever had startled him, he approached the group. "Okay, ready?" he asked breathlessly.

"Cloud, are you all right?" Tifa asked in concern. "You do this every day."

"Yeah, yeah," he said, shaking his head, glancing up warily. "I'm fine. Seriously, Tifa. Don't worry about it."

"Demons haunting you as well?" Vincent asked, his arms crossed over his chest.

"No, nothing like that," Cloud replied as Tifa looked at him in concern. "Seriously. I'm...fine."

"Okay," Tifa said skeptically. "Let's go."

* * *

"Damn!" Barrett commented as they walked through the mountains. "I mean, damn! How do we know which way to go?" 

Cloud looked around at the various caverns, narrowing his eyes. He pointed to his right. "We could go in there," he said. "Or we could climb up here and go in that cave up top. I'll bet there's some items or gil in there, too."

They followed his suggestion and obtained a hi-potion along with 1,000 gil. "Yo, Spike, how'd you know that?" Yuffie asked in amazement.

Cloud looked around the cave and then back to his friends. "If I told you, you would never believe me," he mumbled. He watched as they all drifted off to various corners of the cavern, looking in different places for more items. Tifa stayed close to him. "I'm fine, Tifa," he said with a small smile.

"Cloud," she began sweetly. "You know I'd believe you."

Cloud sighed and nodded, sitting down on the cold ground and patting the spot next to him for her. "I see...things," he said quietly. "It started after the first mission. After I went up to see that weapon shop guy. Something freaky happened up there, Teef, and ever since, I've seen these things."

"What things?" she asked, keeping her voice low.

"Arrows, mostly," he said. "Red ones that indicate where we're supposed to go and green ones to tell us where to climb and shit. It's weird, but they're always right on!"

"Is that why you freak out in the morning then?" she prodded. "Because of the arrows."

"No," he said, swatting at his head. "There's this finger that is always pointing at me. I...I think it's, like, God or something."

"Wow," Tifa breathed out, looking over his head and waving her hand over the spikes. "I wish I could see these things."

"It's really weird, Teef," he said, lowering his voice again. "But it almost feels as if someone is guiding us on this journey."

"That's so strange," Tifa whispered in awe.

"I know," he said, smiling gently at her. "Just...don't tell the others, okay? They already think I'm crazy enough."

She nodded and smiled back. "Okay, I won't."

* * *

It wasn't too much longer after that Cloud did the unthinkable. He gave the Black Materia to Sephiroth, giving their antagonist the power to summon METEOR and awakening the WEAPONS in the process. Cloud's broken body fell into the Lifestream and washed away as the remainder of AVALANCHE boarded Rufus' airship, now finding themselves captives. 

And Tifa found herself interim leader.

She came to in a hospital like room, Barrett at her side. She opened her eyes and blinked, the lights blinding to her recently unused eyes. Her eyes focused on an object directly above her. Tifa stared, trying to figure out what she was looking at. When the realization dawned on her, she sat up and screamed.

She had been give...The Finger.

* * *

_**A/N: Yes, yes, I do drink. Thanks for asking. This fic will be three chapters in length. Review my insanity, please.**_


	2. Tifa and Barret Get The Finger

_**A/N: The insane saga continues...**_

**_Disclaimer: I still don't own it, I just manipulate if for my devious purposes._**

* * *

Tifa jumped off the table, still looking up, watching as The Finger followed her everywhere she went. "Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod!" she shrieked, running around in circles until she came to an abrupt halt, running into a very solid chest and landing on her butt. "Owie." 

"Tifa!" Barrett said, helping her up to her feet. "Damn girl, you aight? What's all the damn screaming for?!"

Her eyes darted around the room and she noticed a red arrow. "Out!" she exclaimed happily. "We can get out there!" She ran over to the arrow and tried the door. "It's locked! Why? Why is the door locked?!"

"Because we're prisoners," Barret told her. "Those damn ShinRa are going to execute us on live television to make the people happy. They're blamin' us for all the bad stuff happenin'!"

Tifa crossed her arms over her chest. "That sucks!" she shrieked.

"Regardless," came a low husky voice. "That is exactly what is going to happen."

Tifa turned to the blond followed by several guards. "Oh great," she said rolling her eyes. "The bitch with the tits hanging out all over the place is going to kill me."

Scarlet began her annoying laughing. "Gya ha ha! You should talk. That skirt doesn't even begin to cover your ass," she snorted.

"At least my ass is worth viewing," Tifa retorted, placing her hand on her cocked out hip. "How much did you pay for those implants anyway?"

"Ask your surgeon," Scarlet snapped. "I went to the same place you did."

"Mine are real, Bitch!" Tifa cried, rushing toward the slutty woman, only to be restrained by two quite happy guards. Her hands were bound behind her and she continued screaming. "I won't die for your crimes, you plastic surgury altered slut!"

Scarlet sauntered up to Tifa and slapped her across the face. "This one dies first," she seethed. "Little, snobby bitch."

Tifa stuck her chin in the air, her eyes flashing dangerously. "This isn't over!" she yelled. "This is so not over!"

Tifa found herself following the guards and Scarlet and was secured to a chair in a gas chamber. "Oh damn," she said, after the door was closed. She looked around the room, not noticing any arrows. Then she looked up.

The Finger was gone.

* * *

Barret blinked. "The hell?" he said, looking around the room, noticing for the first time several red and green arrows placed at various doors. Something above him caught his eye and he looked up. The Finger was pointing down at him. 

"SHIT!" he yelled, running around, bound hands behind him. The guards scattered quickly, afraid of the large insane man. "Go away, go away, go away!"

"Barret!"

Barret looked to his right and ran straight into a wall, landing awkwardly on his bound hands. The impact of his collision snapped the ropes that bound him and he found himself free. He stared at the owner of the voice again. "The traitor!" he growled, getting up to his feet, intent on pummeling a stuffed cat/moogle combo. "The hell you doin' here?"

"I freed the others," Cait Sith said quietly. "I told them to meet us on the airstrip. Where's Tifa?"

"That red slut took her, said she was gonna be the first to die," Barret explained.

"Oh no. No, this is bad," Cait Sith exclaimed, shaking his head. "We've got to find her. She'll be in the gas chamber. Lead the way."

Barret looked at him. "Why the hell should I lead?" he asked. "You're the ShinRa spy, you know more 'bout this place then me!"

"Barret, we don't have much time!" Cait Sith cried. "Hurry! We got to find Tifa!"

"SHIT!" Barret swore again and ran off, following the nearest red arrow he came to.

* * *

"Come on, come on," Tifa said, stretching her legs out and trying to grab the key one of the guards dropped. "Come here you stupid git!" 

There seemed to be some strange combination of how she was supposed to move her body to get the key, but it seemed almost impossible to do. She twisted, contorted, dislocated and finally, FINALLY got that damn key. Her locks were freed and she got up, turning off the gas. "Okay, now how to get out of here."

There was a banging on the door. "Tifa! Teef! You in there?"

"Barret!" she cried, running to the door. "Get me out of here!"

"Hang on, Kiddo!" he said.

Suddenly, an alarm sounded and red lights flashed everywhere. "ShinRa guards are coming," she heard Cait Sith say. "We've got to go!"

"Not without Tifa!"

"WEAPON is firing!" they heard come over the loud speaker.

The explosion hit. After the dust settled, Tifa looked up to clear blue sky, a red arrow and The Finger. She laughed in joy. "Barret, I can get out here! Go! Get to safety!" she called.

"The Airstrip!" Cait Sith called, but Tifa was already climbing out the hole and making her way to safety.

Tifa followed all the red and green arrows she came to, leading her to the cannon. "What?" she asked, looking up at the finger. "This can't be right. There's no where left to go!"

"Gya ha ha!"

"Oh Jesus," Tifa said, rolling her eyes and turning toward the slut. "What now?"

"Since you escaped from my gas chamber, I guess I'll have to kill you myself, you stuck up whore!" Scarlet screamed as she raised her hand and slapped Tifa.

Tifa reared back and decked her, causing the bitch to land on her ass. "You know, that is getting really annoying," Tifa said, turning and running away down the length of the cannon. She shook her head, seeing the red arrow at the end. "Cloud, I hope you're right about these things!" she screamed as she jumped off the end of the cannon, only to come face to face with a rope ladder that she instantly grabbed hold of. "Woo hoo!"

She was pulled up and found all of her friends on the commandeered airship. "Welcome to The Highwind, Kiddo!" Cid said with pride. "Finally got my baby back from those fuckers!"

"This is awesome!" Tifa said, following all the arrows in the ship. "Operations Room, Bridge, Chocobo Area...cool!"

"All right, Tifa, you're the leader for now," Cid said. "Where to?"

Tifa looked up at The Finger and back at her friends. She went over to Cait Sith. "Any word from ShinRa?" she asked.

Cait Sith nodded. "There was some talk about something in Mideel," he said. "Maybe we should head there."

Tifa smiled. "Hopefully we can find Cloud soon," she said. "I'm getting worried about him. Cid, take us to Mideel!"

"You got it, Toots!"

Tifa stared out the window, watching as the water sprayed up around the airship. They had to find Cloud. And when they did, she was going to give him The Finger.

* * *

**_A/N: You know, it's funnier to think of them in their original Leggo glory during this fic. Especially Barret. Review!_**


	3. Cid Gets The Finger Then Gives it Back

**_A/N: Final chapter of this crack fic...maybe._**

**_Disclaimer: If it was mine, do you REALLY think I would be posting here? No, I would be building Midgar, dammit!_**

* * *

Cloud was bad. He was more than bad. He looked like a damn bobble head in a wheel chair. Mako poisoning, over-exposure to the Lifestream, a bunch of bad shit. He was nearly catatonic. It was kinda funny to watch him but...no this was serious. It wasn't funny.

Cid chuckled to himself. It _was_ hella funny, watching the spiky haired freak sitting there like that, Tifa on her knees in front of him, like she could reach him through his moans of, "Uggh...urrggh...uggh." If Cid didn't know better, he'd swear the kid was getting a blowjob from the busty brunette in front of him. Said brunette rose from her kneeling position and went over to him and Vincent.

"I'm gonna stay here with Cloud," she told them, rubbing her bare arms. "To see if I can help him get better."

"We understand," Vincent said. "We shall continue on without you then."

Tifa nodded. "Captain, I'm trusting you with the team," she said. "You're in charge."

"You got it, Toots," Cid said, sticking a cigarette in his mouth and walking toward the exit. "We'll check back in with you in a few, all right? Take care of yourself, Doll."

"You too," she said, reaching for his arm and pulling him closer. "Don't be afraid. Let them guide you."

"The hell you talking about?" he asked as she shoved him out the door. He shook his head and lit his cigarette, nearly dropping his lighter as he stared into the town of Mideel. "The fuck?"

Little red and green arrows decorated the town. Cid's mouth dropped opened and his lit cigarette fell from his lips, burning his hand as he tried to catch it. "Ow...goddammit!"

His red-cloaked companion glanced over at him in concern. "Are you all right?" he asked lowly.

Cid pointed to a random arrow. "What the hell are all these little arrows doing around here?" he asked. Vincent looked around and then back at him, black eyebrow raised.

"What are you talking about?"

Cid balked. "You can't see them?!" he asked. He pinched the bridge of his nose and looked up toward the heaven's for guidance.

And that's when he saw...The Finger.

"Holy fuckin' hell shit god DAMN!" he yelled, backing up and watching as The Finger followed him. "Oh, this sucks! What the hell is this thing?! Quit following me! AAAAHHHHH!!"

Vincent watched in amusement as Cid ran screaming through the town of Mideel. It was actually quite...amusing to see the arrogant captain screaming his bloody head off about arrows and a finger pointing at him. Vincent followed him as he ran out of the town to the airship.

Cid looked around inside his flying machine. The arrows were here, too! He looked up. That stupid finger thingy was still pointing at him. "Uh...," Cid said to The Finger. "God?"

The Finger did nothing but point at him. Cid sat down on the floor and buried his face in his hands, crying like a little boy. "Leave me alone!" he cried. "I want my mommy! Or my Shera!"

That was when Tifa's words before they left came back to him. _'Don't be afraid. Let them guide you.'_

Cid looked up at The Finger, which flashed in acknowledgement and then at the little arrows. "All right you freaky little bastards," he grumbled. "Let's get this show on the road!"

* * *

"These god damn arrows keep getting my ass in trouble!" Cid yelled as he highjacked a train and sped off after the ShinRa. The bastards had taken the huge materia from the reactor and were now speeding off to Corel, Barret's wasteland of a hometown.

"Y'all get ready to jump!" Cid ordered to the gun arm and the vampire. "We're coming up on them now! We gotta stop 'em 'fore they barrel into Corel!"

In a flash of red and curse words, Vincent and Barret jumped, Cid following not long after them. "Oh for the love of radiator fluid!" he hollared looking around the ShinRa train. "The little pointy bastards are here too!"

The threesome ran through the train, fighting each monster they came across and defeating them. Barret booted the ShinRa officer's off the train and Cid proceeded to attempt to slow the train down. Right before they were going to barrel into Corel, Cid pulled the brakes and caused the train to emit a screetching, grinding noise as it came to a dramatic stop right before slamming into Corel.

"Well hell," Cid said, lighting up a cigarette. "I saved a goddamn junk heap. Whoop-de-fucking-doo."

* * *

The battle of Fort Condor was over. The ShinRa forces had been defeated and the big ass freaky bird thing on top flew away, leaving a glowing red turd. Oh wait, that was materia. Still could be a turd though. Best to send the ninja brat after it.

"Yuffie...materia," Cid said, pointing at the object.

"MINE!" Yuffie squealed, leaping up onto the roof of Fort Condor. She jumped up and down in excitement and Cid couldn't help but wish it was Tifa jumping up and down out there. At least he'd get to see some bouncies. This was just sad.

"What is it?" Vincent asked, helping Yuffie climb back into the building.

"Phoenix Flame!" she told him excitedly, slipping it into her armour. "Can't wait to try this baby out!"

"Yeah, yeah, fuck, yeah, whatever," Cid grumbled, heading back down into the main chamber of Fort Condor. He kicked the old stoned dude sitting at the table. "Hey, the ShinRa are gone and yer bird problem is taken care of. The big bastard flew away."

The man's head raised up, his glazed eyes red. "Thanks," he said before allowing his head to drop back down.

"God damn fucker," Cid grumbled leading the way back to the airship. "Spent Shiva knows how much gil on useless soliders and all we get is a 'thanks' from a stoned hippie."

"Yo, Pops, I wanna see Tifa," Yuffie exclaimed before taking her position to puke.

"Yeah, me too," Cid told her walking into the control room. "Yo, pilot in training level never gonna be better than me. Head this bird to Mideel."

* * *

"I'm not leaving him!"

"Look, Boobs, he's a vegetable!" Cid exclaimed. "He's useless as shit and he drools! Why in the hell would you want a man like that?" He flinched at the glare he received from her. "Okay, granted, most guys are like that, but still!"

"I'm _not_ leaving him."

"Fine, you know what, fine," Cid grumbled, lighting up a cigarette. "When you're ready to leave the slobbery chocobo to his doctors, give me a call on the PHS. Until then, we'll be in Kalm drinkin' beer."

Cursing, Cid strutted out of the clinic and down to the center of town. "Brainless blond, didn't know what to do with the girl when he was pseudo normal and now that he's a wheelchaired wonder, he sure as hell don't know what to do with her. Why can't a girl like that fall for me?!"

"Cos yer a &#&#&(#!" Barrett told him.

"Ah, yer no help, ya sorry--whoa!" Cid exclaimed as the ground began to shake. "The hell is going on?"

"Weapon!" Vincent exclaimed, drawing his gun out and aiming at the monster and firing off a shot.

Cid pulled out a stick of dynamite and lit it with the end of his cigarette. "Oh yeah, you sorry son of a bitch?!" he yelled. "Get yer ass over here and I'll kick back up the Northern Crater! Yo mama!"

The Weapon roared and landed in front of the three men in all it's unstoppable bad ass monster glory. Cid's dynamite fizzeled as the Weapon's saliva extinguished the fuse. "Oh fuck this shit...I'm outta here!" Cid yelled, chest barrelled out and leading the way as his scared ass followed suit.

"&#&#&#&!" Barrett exclaimed, following Cid to the airship.

Vincent holstered his pistol and with a flourish of his cape, followed his comrades. "I concur," he agreed. "This battle is best fought another day."

"Fuck that!" Cid yelled. "Those things are scary as shit! Whoa! What the hell is happening to Mideel?"

From the safety of the airship, they watched as the Lifestream erupted in the center of the town. Tifa was wheeling Cloud out of the clinic and over the bridge when the green tinted liquid swallowed them whole.

"Tifa!" Barrett exclaimed.

"Cloud!" Yuffie cried, eyes pouring out rivers of tears.

Cid lit a cigarette. "Damn," he grumbled. "What a waste of a perfectly good rack. Uh...I mean..." He looked up at The Finger, inspiration striking him. "All right, pilot in training who I don't give a fuck what level you are, just fly this bird outta here! We'll pick them up where they wash up."

* * *

Several miles, two packs of cigarettes and six-pack of beer later and the Highwind was landing outside of Junon along the shoreline. Tifa and Cloud were unconscious, so the rest of the team carried them inside the airship where they waited for them to come to. Once they had, Cloud, now leader again, held a meeting about finding himself with Tifa's help.

"Well, now that you found yourself, you can have this," Cid told him. And with that, he gave Cloud...The Finger.

* * *

_**A/N: Yay! This fic is over! HOORAY! Hope you laughed as hard reading it as I did writing it. Especially Cid and the way he runs. BWAH HA HA HA!**_


End file.
